Atonement

I've been thinking about atonement lately. I let everyone down around me who instilled trust with the words and promises I made. I've learned I tend to start a project, but will wander off to some other interest. This time period could be minutes, hours, days, weeks. The problem lies with inconsistency in attention. The ability to finish a book, project, training, studying - start to finish.The worst part is dealing with the guilt of broken promises.

This will be a sober post for early 2011, but... I feel I got to get off my chest with the world. I'm on the verge of losing my job of 4.5 years with my family business because of under-performance and at first I was in denial and my snap-judgement was to blame others with personal jabs. In my foolishness, I let my pride and stubbornness blind me from the truth and I couldn't see how my attitude and actions affected others. I was challenged to step in others shoes and see the ripple effect of my behavior. I could easily then visualize how loss of respect unfolded from letdown after letdown.

I consider myself extremely fortunate that my wife of 2.3 years is still with me. I know most women would have left long before now as I've made similar promises yet have fallen short. She's been an amazing woman that has been loyal when I'm undeserving and will listen to the same speech I've practiced well. She's challenged me to check my ego at the door and to listen better and try to understand others when I self-absorb. I've enjoyed having this blog and my private journal to mature, but was never truly put to the test until she came into my life and accepted no BS.

Which leads me to my crux today. I'm at a crossroad. I have the fortunate chance to redeem myself yet again, but am unsure if I will get another shot past this. I'm developing myself at the moment to be multi-faceted with knowledge and hope my improved skillset will be a value added to the company. To stop wallowing in self-pity, denial, procrastination, and to push myself beyond my comfort level and grow as a human being. I feel I'm preachy on this blog, but out in the real world actions are judged. I've learned I can't control how others view me or what they say about me. I can only control my emotions, how I react, and my personal performance that if I'm consistent in my work ethics I will yield respect from my peers again. Time is short and I must move fast and get support.

My challenge is simple: Stay focused and forge my path ahead.

I'm going to leave this post with someone I've grown to have to respect for after a troubled past with the public at large: Michael Vick. A man who messed up in his private life and served hard time for a year. He may never be completely forgiven for his past actions but... he to came back to the NFL in 2010 a changed man. He came back resiliently and played football better than almost anyone I've ever seen alive. He's had a comeback season and has worked with children, charities, to apologize, restore his image, strive to be the best with determination and hard work and he got his team to the playoffs for the first time in four years. He says:

“It's good to have critics because that's what motivates you and helps you take your game to another level, ... They talked about Michael Jordan and said he didn't have a jump shot. They say the same thing about me — I can't throw the football and all that. Say whatever you want about me. It makes me strive harder.”

and finally

"Now I know how to play the game," he said. "I've been taught how to play the game - how to go through my progressions, how to be patient, how to stay balanced, how to stay down when I throw, discipline. That's something I've been taught; it's something that I'm going to continue to improve on; and it can't be taken away from me. I'm only going to get better." - Michael Vick after NFL 2010 Wild Card Playoffs